Coming Clean - Psalm 38

I’m going to be super honest….I’m really not feeling it now, so sorry in advance for this heaping pile of bummer, but like The Get Up Kids song down at the bottom of this blog says "To lie would be to compromise and I won't try." Depression has been kind of creeping up and nothing really seems to be ok. For the last week I’ve been struggling with anxiety like I’ve never felt. It is the hopeless frustrations of that anxious feeling every night; the feeling that I can’t really seem to pinpoint its cause is making it hard to keep my head above water per se. There are plenty of platitudes and honest truths that could be pointed to for hope. Look at the cross, go seek help, change your diet, blah blah blah. These things are not really in my power right now or are working.

1 Lord, do not rebuke me in your anger

or discipline me in your wrath.

Enter psalm 38. This psalm is one of only a couple of truly down in the dumps songs. There is no upturn at the end where the psalmist says something like “…but God…” It really is a dude in the dumps saying hey Lord, please don’t give me what I deserve because I just don’t think I’ll survive if You even look at me sideways. He is saying he is so crushed down that he only has an authentic depressed prayer left.

2Your arrows have pierced me,

and your hand has come down on me.

3Because of your wrath there is no health in my body;

there is no soundness in my bones because of my sin.

4My guilt has overwhelmed me

like a burden too heavy to bear.

The thing is that he says is that God has pressed upon him because of his sin. His sin has rotted him from within. I think it is really a good place to start. It’s like The Get Up Kids song Don’t Hate Me, he says “there’s constant reminders, in everything I see…” The David is saying that he cannot get away from the memory and indwelling of his sin. I can say from personal experience that much of my sin weighs on me, even if I have confessed it. My sin from today and all the cumulative sin of my past sits like a stone on my chest. I have fantastic friends that I can talk to about it, and a Lord who has forgiven me, but that feeling doesn’t really seem to ever go away. The church is filled with nonsense like John Owen who says you should foster guilt and kill your sin. Neither of those things is in my power.

The David goes on about his physical infirmities and those who hate him scoffing and looking for him to fall. Probably one the most poignant things he says in the psalm is in verse nine, ten and 15.

9All my longings lie open before you, Lord;

my sighing is not hidden from you.

10My heart pounds, my strength fails me;

even the light has gone from my eyes.

15 Lord, I wait for you;

you will answer, Lord my God.

I lie in bed as my heart beats out of my chest and my weakness is before me as I can’t do anything to un-sabotage myself. He acknowledges that the Lord sees it. But this is not a hopeful confession. Remember this is a down and out psalm. He is trying to talk himself into hope and still half accusing the Lord because He knows. In 15 though he redirects that half accusation and goes on. David is trying everything but as he does I feel the same

17For I am about to fall, and my pain is ever with me.

18I confess my iniquity; I am troubled by my sin.

The confession feels like it falls on deaf ears here in this trough. It’s not a cure all and doesn’t set my heart or his, really, at rest. Desperation sits. His ends the psalm with a hail Mary pass.

21 Lord, do not forsake me; do not be far from me, my God.

22Come quickly to help me, my Lord and my Savior.

He has come. I know that. He came, laid His life down in the place I deserved and died, but as sit typing this, it is hard to feel forgiven. Truly it doesn’t at all feel like light yoke or an easy burden. I’m hoping and praying He hears me and restores me. For now all I have to hold on to is the cross, but this mental suffering is just overwhelming. What I need is what C.S. Lewis says

If God forgives us we must forgive ourselves 
otherwise its like setting up ourselves as a higher tribunal than Him.

God, come quick, I am about to fall.

In Christ,

paul

music for the week (as usual: no claim of being not "offensive" but it is really good):

Ring Out The Warning Bell - Psalm 37

3Trust in the Lord and do good;…4Take delight in the Lord,

and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; 
trust in him and he will do this:

7Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him;

do not fret when people succeed in their ways,…
8Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret—it leads only to evil.

16Better the little that the righteous have than the wealth of many wicked;

It really surprises me what this devotional ends up being by the time Saturday rolls around. I start my week with a daily reading starting in the chapter and the following chapter or so [depending how long they are]. I read the same thing every single day through the week and then shift to the next psalm on the following Monday. I start trying to think about it on Monday, you know, like what it will turn out to be. More often than not, things in my week kind of culminate to a place where I need this. This week is no exception. With work, house and relationship stuff looming, it has been really hard to see other people succeed. This morning I literally typed to a friend of mine “I just really need a win….like sometimes.” And really what I meant by it is that I don’t feel like anything really has landed and been a success in a while. It’s really hard for me to admit that I am just not being content because it almost feels like a surrender to those that I feel like are abusive of my relationship or work, or really that I need to be satisfied with the material things that I have. I need to know in my heart that because I feel like I am being taken advantage of, doesn’t mean that I am not. I likely, in the past and present, have/am and those people, systems, and thing really ought to change, because they aren’t right. The thing though is that I, likewise, ought to not be discontented. Though that may read like license and complacency to those people and things to continue to do that to me, I need to grow in my contentment. 

Verse 8 really hits home because I have been responding in anger. Anger, pretty exclusively, is the product of discontentment. It is a tell. My anger rats me out and should be screaming to me that my heart is missing something. Peace of mind and a contented heart is like a table. Everyone’s mind is like this. We all have a table….with 4 legs….that aren’t all the same length. When you put it down in the wrong place, the place it has not been designed to be, it will rock back and forth diagonally. It isn’t settled. I think we have all had the experience of eating at a table where one leg is too short. Someone else leans of the opposite corner and it startles you while you are trying to eat. By the end of a meal you are trying to stiff arm your corner down but are on pins and needles. It is not fun. We were designed to be some place…one would say on a firm foundation. Our solution is usually in our own power. 

“everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand.”

We try and level out our table by placing it on sand. Sure it will level easy. It will look good just sitting there but should you attempt to use it for its purpose you will find it sinking. Someone across form you leans on it and down it goes…so you push your side down and it is level again. The problem is before the meal would be done you are lying down on your stomach. It has ceased to be a useful table; it has ceased to do what it was intended to do. Likewise if we place it on the Rock half way or in a place it was not designed to be, it will not be even still. The right orientation to Him, where He has made you to be, will make your table level. Even when I am in the right spot but I have faced away from Him, my table is not level and is uneven again. Do not attempt to level your table in your own power. Seek Jesus, and draw near Him. Be content though those around you abuse, distrust and take you for granted. Let the Lord take care of them.

16Better the little that the righteous have than the wealth of many wicked;

In Christ,

paul



music for the week (as usual: no claim of being not "offensive" but it is really good):

A Better Son/Daughter - Psalm 36

1 I have a message from God in my heart

concerning the sinfulness of the wicked

There is no fear of God before their eyes.

2 In their own eyes they flatter themselves

too much to detect or hate their sin.

3 The words of their mouths are wicked and deceitful;

they fail to act wisely or do good.

4 Even on their beds they plot evil;

they commit themselves to a sinful course

and do not reject what is wrong.

Well ok….it’s nice of David to write about me. This hits a little close to home but usually the psalm discussions of the wicked do that. Ok so all kidding aside, it really is small passages like this that do give me hope. He says that they can’t “detect…their sin.” Though I can honestly say I struggle with hating my sin in the fullest sense of the word but I can say I fuuuuullly doubt most any Christian that says they do. But he says they can’t detect their sin…I can say that the Spirit has done a fantastic job pointing that out in my life. I really hope that what I know of is all of it….who knows…maybe it isn’t but it is, as David says elsewhere in the psalms, “my sin is ever before my eyes.” I’m not going to say verse 3 and 4 are not me, because they totally are, but I do hope that they are reducing and lessening. I do fight it with what meager heart I have but I can say there is just no hope for me in that….so there is this.

5 Your love, Lord, reaches to the heavens,

your faithfulness to the skies.

6 Your righteousness is like the highest mountains,

your justice like the great deep.

You, Lord, preserve both people and animals.

7 How priceless is your unfailing love, O God!

People take refuge in the shadow of your wings.

This is the only hope I have. I think that, since I see my sin and I fail (and we really all will by ourselves), that I will cling to the love of the Lord. Not to the justice, not to the glory of God but His love. I can say that His love is priceless because He has shown me how broken I am but then has poured out His grace and love to me. I can’t hold onto anything else but the truth of His unfailing love. My favorite Spurgeon quote is

“The justice [and wrath] of God is sheathed in the jewel encrusted scabbard of His love.”

Though my reformed brothers and sisters love and exalt many other aspects of God’s nature, all I can say is that those things, in my experience, push us to fall on our knees before Him for His love. There is nothing that so endears me to Him like His love. There is nothing but His love that makes me sing so loud, and transforms my life. There is nothing more precious, glorious, or amazing than His love. I really think His love is the comfort that Paul speaks of in 2 Corinthians 1:3-7. I find no hope for change or a future outside that. I can ever grow to be better or like Him outside of His love. It is my main motivation. Yet I still pray with David

10 Continue your love to those who know you, your righteousness to the[m].

Lord please continue your love and uphold me in Your righteousness because I do not have in me. Make me better and more like You because I can't do it...I do not have it in me. Make my evil and sin good as only You can, because I do not have it in me. All I have in me is rotten. Please make me clean. Make me a better son in Your household, because the only thing good in me....is You....Amen.

In Christ,

paul

music for the week (as usual: no claim of being not "offensive" but it is really good):

Gloria - Psalm 35

17 How long, Lord, will you look on?

Rescue me from their ravages,

my precious life from these lions.

22 Lord, you have seen this; do not be silent.

Do not be far from me, Lord.

23 Awake, and rise to my defense!

Contend for me, my God and Lord.

24 Vindicate me in your righteousness, Lord my God;

do not let them gloat over me.

This is a pretty heavy psalm. Justice is theme we hear much about in the world with the “social” prefix where the emphasis is helping the less fortunate at best and at worst just virtue signaling. I have always been confused why in a naturalistic/survival of the fittest world view, that would occur…but we’ll leave that to someone else somewhere else. In many churches, especially in reformed ones, justice comes up only as a reference to the Law, and how unworthy we are under its just judgment, as the cause and predecessor to Jesus’ coming. I do stand with Paul in Romans 7 in saying it is good and necessary, but can this really be the only real justice that the Bible has to say anything about? Of course not! David is feeling unjustly put upon and he is appealing to the one he knows is the ultimate arbiter of justice, God. Under psalms like this you get a sample of what the less fortunate have to say when they appeal to God. Do we think because they may or may not be of “the faith” that God doesn’t hear them or that we shouldn’t be concerned with them? Of course not. Those that are victims of sexual assault, systematic and in person racism, and the poor/orphaned should be our concern. Many in the church just claim that if we wave the gospel wand over them, everything will be ok. That is the equivalent of James 2:16 where he says:

If one of you says to them, 
"Go in peace; keep warm and well fed,"
but does nothing about their physical needs, what good is it?

This plea of the oppressed included in scripture should be convicting to us in our search to reach the world. It must include not only a desire to see their spirit restored and made alive, but that their bodies and lives be restored as well. David says:

27 May those who delight in my vindication

shout for joy and gladness;

may they always say, “The Lord be exalted,

who delights in the well-being of his servant.”

28 My tongue will proclaim your righteousness,

your praises all day long.

Whether we are well or that in need, we should work to help each other and seek the elevation and wellness of those around us, and even more [like 1 Peter 4:8-11] for those in the body of Christ. We are to praise to glorify and worship Him when they are restored; glorifying Him out loud, visible and seen/heard by those around us.  Augustine says it well when he says:

See how I have made a discourse something longer; you are wearied. 
Who endures to praise God all the day long? 
I will suggest a remedy whereby you may praise God all the day long, if you will. 
Whatever you do, do well, and you have praised God.

How much more is the Lord glorified by serving and helping the poor, oppressed, orphan, widow, and those put upon by racism and sexual abuse, than just building a house well or doing good at your job? Let us seek to elevate those around us hurt by systems, people and themselves, and do it to the glory and praise of our Father in heaven.

In Christ,

paul

music for the week (as usual: no claim of being not "offensive" but it is really good):