I’m going to
be super honest….I’m really not feeling it now, so sorry in advance for this
heaping pile of bummer, but like The Get Up Kids song down at the bottom of this blog says "To lie would be to compromise and I won't try." Depression has been kind of creeping up and nothing
really seems to be ok. For the last week I’ve been struggling with anxiety like
I’ve never felt. It is the hopeless frustrations of that anxious feeling every
night; the feeling that I can’t really seem to pinpoint its cause is making it
hard to keep my head above water per se. There are plenty of platitudes and
honest truths that could be pointed to for hope. Look at the cross, go seek
help, change your diet, blah blah blah. These things are not really in my power
right now or are working.
1 Lord, do not rebuke me in your anger
or discipline me in your wrath.
Enter psalm
38. This psalm is one of only a couple of truly down in the dumps songs. There
is no upturn at the end where the psalmist says something like “…but God…” It
really is a dude in the dumps saying hey Lord, please don’t give me what I deserve
because I just don’t think I’ll survive if You even look at me sideways. He is
saying he is so crushed down that he only has an authentic depressed prayer left.
2Your arrows have pierced me,
and your hand has come down on me.
3Because of your wrath there is no health in my body;
there is no soundness in my bones because of my sin.
4My guilt has overwhelmed me
like a burden too heavy to bear.
The thing is
that he says is that God has pressed upon him because of his sin. His sin has
rotted him from within. I think it is really a good place to start. It’s like
The Get Up Kids song Don’t Hate Me, he says “there’s constant reminders, in
everything I see…” The David is saying that he cannot get away from the memory
and indwelling of his sin. I can say from personal experience that much of my
sin weighs on me, even if I have confessed it. My sin from today and all the
cumulative sin of my past sits like a stone on my chest. I have fantastic
friends that I can talk to about it, and a Lord who has forgiven me, but that
feeling doesn’t really seem to ever go away. The church is filled with nonsense
like John Owen who says you should foster guilt and kill your sin. Neither of
those things is in my power.
The David
goes on about his physical infirmities and those who hate him scoffing and
looking for him to fall. Probably one the most poignant things he says in the
psalm is in verse nine, ten and 15.
9All my longings lie open before you, Lord;
my sighing is not hidden from you.
10My heart pounds, my strength fails me;
even the light has gone from my eyes.
15 Lord, I wait for you;
you will answer, Lord my God.
I lie in bed
as my heart beats out of my chest and my weakness is before me as I can’t do
anything to un-sabotage myself. He acknowledges that the Lord sees it. But this
is not a hopeful confession. Remember this is a down and out psalm. He is
trying to talk himself into hope and still half accusing the Lord because He
knows. In 15 though he redirects that half accusation and goes on. David is
trying everything but as he does I feel the same
17For I am about to fall, and my pain is ever with me.
18I confess my iniquity; I am troubled by my sin.
The
confession feels like it falls on deaf ears here in this trough. It’s not a
cure all and doesn’t set my heart or his, really, at rest. Desperation sits.
His ends the psalm with a hail Mary pass.
21 Lord, do not forsake me; do not be far from me, my God.
22Come quickly to help me, my Lord and my Savior.
He has come.
I know that. He came, laid His life down in the place I deserved and died, but
as sit typing this, it is hard to feel forgiven. Truly it doesn’t at all feel
like light yoke or an easy burden. I’m hoping and praying He hears me and
restores me. For now all I have to hold on to is the cross, but this mental
suffering is just overwhelming. What I need is what C.S. Lewis says
If God forgives us we must forgive ourselves
otherwise its like setting up ourselves as a higher tribunal than Him.
otherwise its like setting up ourselves as a higher tribunal than Him.
God, come
quick, I am about to fall.
In Christ,
paul
music for the week (as usual: no claim of being not "offensive" but it is really good):