Coming Clean - Psalm 38

I’m going to be super honest….I’m really not feeling it now, so sorry in advance for this heaping pile of bummer, but like The Get Up Kids song down at the bottom of this blog says "To lie would be to compromise and I won't try." Depression has been kind of creeping up and nothing really seems to be ok. For the last week I’ve been struggling with anxiety like I’ve never felt. It is the hopeless frustrations of that anxious feeling every night; the feeling that I can’t really seem to pinpoint its cause is making it hard to keep my head above water per se. There are plenty of platitudes and honest truths that could be pointed to for hope. Look at the cross, go seek help, change your diet, blah blah blah. These things are not really in my power right now or are working.

1 Lord, do not rebuke me in your anger

or discipline me in your wrath.

Enter psalm 38. This psalm is one of only a couple of truly down in the dumps songs. There is no upturn at the end where the psalmist says something like “…but God…” It really is a dude in the dumps saying hey Lord, please don’t give me what I deserve because I just don’t think I’ll survive if You even look at me sideways. He is saying he is so crushed down that he only has an authentic depressed prayer left.

2Your arrows have pierced me,

and your hand has come down on me.

3Because of your wrath there is no health in my body;

there is no soundness in my bones because of my sin.

4My guilt has overwhelmed me

like a burden too heavy to bear.

The thing is that he says is that God has pressed upon him because of his sin. His sin has rotted him from within. I think it is really a good place to start. It’s like The Get Up Kids song Don’t Hate Me, he says “there’s constant reminders, in everything I see…” The David is saying that he cannot get away from the memory and indwelling of his sin. I can say from personal experience that much of my sin weighs on me, even if I have confessed it. My sin from today and all the cumulative sin of my past sits like a stone on my chest. I have fantastic friends that I can talk to about it, and a Lord who has forgiven me, but that feeling doesn’t really seem to ever go away. The church is filled with nonsense like John Owen who says you should foster guilt and kill your sin. Neither of those things is in my power.

The David goes on about his physical infirmities and those who hate him scoffing and looking for him to fall. Probably one the most poignant things he says in the psalm is in verse nine, ten and 15.

9All my longings lie open before you, Lord;

my sighing is not hidden from you.

10My heart pounds, my strength fails me;

even the light has gone from my eyes.

15 Lord, I wait for you;

you will answer, Lord my God.

I lie in bed as my heart beats out of my chest and my weakness is before me as I can’t do anything to un-sabotage myself. He acknowledges that the Lord sees it. But this is not a hopeful confession. Remember this is a down and out psalm. He is trying to talk himself into hope and still half accusing the Lord because He knows. In 15 though he redirects that half accusation and goes on. David is trying everything but as he does I feel the same

17For I am about to fall, and my pain is ever with me.

18I confess my iniquity; I am troubled by my sin.

The confession feels like it falls on deaf ears here in this trough. It’s not a cure all and doesn’t set my heart or his, really, at rest. Desperation sits. His ends the psalm with a hail Mary pass.

21 Lord, do not forsake me; do not be far from me, my God.

22Come quickly to help me, my Lord and my Savior.

He has come. I know that. He came, laid His life down in the place I deserved and died, but as sit typing this, it is hard to feel forgiven. Truly it doesn’t at all feel like light yoke or an easy burden. I’m hoping and praying He hears me and restores me. For now all I have to hold on to is the cross, but this mental suffering is just overwhelming. What I need is what C.S. Lewis says

If God forgives us we must forgive ourselves 
otherwise its like setting up ourselves as a higher tribunal than Him.

God, come quick, I am about to fall.

In Christ,

paul

music for the week (as usual: no claim of being not "offensive" but it is really good):

A Better Son/Daughter - Psalm 36

1 I have a message from God in my heart

concerning the sinfulness of the wicked

There is no fear of God before their eyes.

2 In their own eyes they flatter themselves

too much to detect or hate their sin.

3 The words of their mouths are wicked and deceitful;

they fail to act wisely or do good.

4 Even on their beds they plot evil;

they commit themselves to a sinful course

and do not reject what is wrong.

Well ok….it’s nice of David to write about me. This hits a little close to home but usually the psalm discussions of the wicked do that. Ok so all kidding aside, it really is small passages like this that do give me hope. He says that they can’t “detect…their sin.” Though I can honestly say I struggle with hating my sin in the fullest sense of the word but I can say I fuuuuullly doubt most any Christian that says they do. But he says they can’t detect their sin…I can say that the Spirit has done a fantastic job pointing that out in my life. I really hope that what I know of is all of it….who knows…maybe it isn’t but it is, as David says elsewhere in the psalms, “my sin is ever before my eyes.” I’m not going to say verse 3 and 4 are not me, because they totally are, but I do hope that they are reducing and lessening. I do fight it with what meager heart I have but I can say there is just no hope for me in that….so there is this.

5 Your love, Lord, reaches to the heavens,

your faithfulness to the skies.

6 Your righteousness is like the highest mountains,

your justice like the great deep.

You, Lord, preserve both people and animals.

7 How priceless is your unfailing love, O God!

People take refuge in the shadow of your wings.

This is the only hope I have. I think that, since I see my sin and I fail (and we really all will by ourselves), that I will cling to the love of the Lord. Not to the justice, not to the glory of God but His love. I can say that His love is priceless because He has shown me how broken I am but then has poured out His grace and love to me. I can’t hold onto anything else but the truth of His unfailing love. My favorite Spurgeon quote is

“The justice [and wrath] of God is sheathed in the jewel encrusted scabbard of His love.”

Though my reformed brothers and sisters love and exalt many other aspects of God’s nature, all I can say is that those things, in my experience, push us to fall on our knees before Him for His love. There is nothing that so endears me to Him like His love. There is nothing but His love that makes me sing so loud, and transforms my life. There is nothing more precious, glorious, or amazing than His love. I really think His love is the comfort that Paul speaks of in 2 Corinthians 1:3-7. I find no hope for change or a future outside that. I can ever grow to be better or like Him outside of His love. It is my main motivation. Yet I still pray with David

10 Continue your love to those who know you, your righteousness to the[m].

Lord please continue your love and uphold me in Your righteousness because I do not have in me. Make me better and more like You because I can't do it...I do not have it in me. Make my evil and sin good as only You can, because I do not have it in me. All I have in me is rotten. Please make me clean. Make me a better son in Your household, because the only thing good in me....is You....Amen.

In Christ,

paul

music for the week (as usual: no claim of being not "offensive" but it is really good):

Gloria - Psalm 35

17 How long, Lord, will you look on?

Rescue me from their ravages,

my precious life from these lions.

22 Lord, you have seen this; do not be silent.

Do not be far from me, Lord.

23 Awake, and rise to my defense!

Contend for me, my God and Lord.

24 Vindicate me in your righteousness, Lord my God;

do not let them gloat over me.

This is a pretty heavy psalm. Justice is theme we hear much about in the world with the “social” prefix where the emphasis is helping the less fortunate at best and at worst just virtue signaling. I have always been confused why in a naturalistic/survival of the fittest world view, that would occur…but we’ll leave that to someone else somewhere else. In many churches, especially in reformed ones, justice comes up only as a reference to the Law, and how unworthy we are under its just judgment, as the cause and predecessor to Jesus’ coming. I do stand with Paul in Romans 7 in saying it is good and necessary, but can this really be the only real justice that the Bible has to say anything about? Of course not! David is feeling unjustly put upon and he is appealing to the one he knows is the ultimate arbiter of justice, God. Under psalms like this you get a sample of what the less fortunate have to say when they appeal to God. Do we think because they may or may not be of “the faith” that God doesn’t hear them or that we shouldn’t be concerned with them? Of course not. Those that are victims of sexual assault, systematic and in person racism, and the poor/orphaned should be our concern. Many in the church just claim that if we wave the gospel wand over them, everything will be ok. That is the equivalent of James 2:16 where he says:

If one of you says to them, 
"Go in peace; keep warm and well fed,"
but does nothing about their physical needs, what good is it?

This plea of the oppressed included in scripture should be convicting to us in our search to reach the world. It must include not only a desire to see their spirit restored and made alive, but that their bodies and lives be restored as well. David says:

27 May those who delight in my vindication

shout for joy and gladness;

may they always say, “The Lord be exalted,

who delights in the well-being of his servant.”

28 My tongue will proclaim your righteousness,

your praises all day long.

Whether we are well or that in need, we should work to help each other and seek the elevation and wellness of those around us, and even more [like 1 Peter 4:8-11] for those in the body of Christ. We are to praise to glorify and worship Him when they are restored; glorifying Him out loud, visible and seen/heard by those around us.  Augustine says it well when he says:

See how I have made a discourse something longer; you are wearied. 
Who endures to praise God all the day long? 
I will suggest a remedy whereby you may praise God all the day long, if you will. 
Whatever you do, do well, and you have praised God.

How much more is the Lord glorified by serving and helping the poor, oppressed, orphan, widow, and those put upon by racism and sexual abuse, than just building a house well or doing good at your job? Let us seek to elevate those around us hurt by systems, people and themselves, and do it to the glory and praise of our Father in heaven.

In Christ,

paul

music for the week (as usual: no claim of being not "offensive" but it is really good):

Old College Try - Psalm 33

I know that this might be more shop talk or inside baseball than I've been doing here, but I think that it might help you see where what the Psalms say about how you, I and more specifically what church music leaders have to think about worship. For a long time now...say since the reformation, there has been a war between two camps of worshipers. You might recognize these. One side (started from Martin Luther's heart for worship) emphasizes the idea that anyone can lead worship. No training required, just belt out what's in your heart and you'll do good. This by itself has spawned many a Neil Diamond G/C/D worship singers....and this terrible strum you can hear here. There it sits. It never goes past that. It's a perpetual childhood. The sad part is, from their position, adherents are actually proud of it. Like being a "child of God" or "those who become like a child" in their context means never growing or getting better. They look down on the other side because of their "pure heart." Proponents view their simplicity is far "superior" to the other side because the heart of worship is the most important. They think anything that isn't super simple or doesn't sounds folksy/country is a "production." Aside from the misinterpretation of those texts, the problem is in this Psalm says

3 Sing to him a new song; [trained enough to write]

play skillfully, and shout for joy. [never stop pushing to be better and training on your instrument]

There isn't no real way around it...growth is a fruit and motive of the Spirit. Musicianship and artistic motivations shouldn't be any different.

The other side (started by John Calvin's heart for worship) emphasizes the Lord deserves the purest, most perfect worship. He hired a man to translate the Psalms (and only the Psalms) into a metered french translation. No harmony...all monophonic, but because of the push for purity, specialized musicianship became primary. The demand becomes for more and higher trained musicians, singers, etc. What once began as an attempt for the purest truth, and purest worship, now becomes this garbage, and this apocalypse. I'm sure the idea is that the bigger the production the bigger the Lord looks. That isn't uncommon theme in church history but when it becomes only that, it really dead ends at nothing about the Lord. Adherents to this camp look down at the simplistic and say things like "if you don't have a full stage and don't practice four times a week, you don't really care about the Lord or His people." They act like all that work will manufacture hearts for God and bring more people to the Lord and proves their salvation. Lest we think this Psalm is quiet on the subject, David says later, (I'll filter it for a more modern context)

16 No [Church/leader] is saved by the size of his [production];

no [musician] escapes by his great strength.

17 A [giant screen, dance routine, or band] is a vain hope for deliverance;

despite all its great strength it cannot save.

18 But the eyes of the Lord are on those who fear him,

on those whose hope is in his unfailing love,

19 to deliver them from death

and keep them alive in famine.

Those production aspects become, in church leadership meetings, a matter of manufacturing and maintaining salvation of both the church and it's attendees, but that isn't the reality. The Spirit is the only thing that saves, and nothing or nobody can change or add to that.

You see, one is hiding in a cave or the belly of the ship (ala Jonah), and the other is the Israelites marching forward without the Lord and getting slaughtered (Joshua 7, 1 Samuel 4). The scriptures, and the Spirit both call us out of the safe cave of the easy and known, out into the unknown world where faith and work is required to move forward, but we must stay with Him. We must stay constrained by the word and focused solely on Him and Him being glorified, or we will be lost. We must leave port, but we must be steered by and toward Him.

So I hope this helps think about those things and realize that if those two parts of this chapter are heeded, everything else is preference. What can you and I do sitting with the congregation? We can learn to worship no matter the sound, because the commendation to sing new songs and play skillfully also applies to us in the seats. Don't come with the desire to be entertained and avoid thinking about singing to Him except when it's time to do it together. At my church, I send out the sets the night before in the form of youtube playlists in the hope that at least some will take advantage of it before the service. But you can also buy music your church sings and listen to it during the week. Believe me, worship pastors aren't trying to hid that info from you and I am positive they would be blessed to see you ask about it, and would do their best to facilitate you getting a hold of those bands and songs. You shouldn't be passive, the same as the leaders shouldn't. Put some effort into it outside of Sunday for Him and I'm sure you will see a change in your heart, and hopefully the service. Ok, that's it for now. Till next time...

In Christ,
paul



music for the week (as usual: no claim of being not "offensive" but it is really good):

Your Surrender - Psalm 32

Ok....so have you ever felt the pressure to repent for something are doing or have done. Like an overwhelming pressure? It keeps you up at night. You really can't seem to get rid of it. I really have come to realize over the years that, that is the Spirit. Jesus in John 16 says about the Spirit

"And when he comes, he will convict the world of its sin, and of God's righteousness, and of the coming judgment."


One of the primary roles the Spirit fills that of convicting us of our Sin. Kind of sounds like downer but if we remember the actual title for the Spirit that Jesus gives is The Helper. So if He says the three main rolls of the Spirit really function together as a warning to keep short accounts with the Lord and to look to Jesus, I would that qualifies as help. I really live in denial about my sin or just plain ignore it. My flesh wants to live an oblivious life of sinful bliss. The Spirit is in the world to bring us down to the ground and back into reality. In our Psalm, David examples for us what this looks like when the Spirit isn't [inevitably] ignored.

3When I kept silent,

my bones wasted away

through my groaning all day long.

4For day and night

your hand was heavy on me;

my strength was sapped

as in the heat of summer.

5Then I acknowledged my sin to you

and did not cover up my iniquity.

I said, “I will confess

my transgressions to the Lord.”

And you forgave

the guilt of my sin.

So I'm sure you are thinking "ok so what's the big deal and what does this have to do with worship?" I really get the feeling looking at all of that and it's like looking or talking about being happy about the nurse for pouring the painful hydrogen peroxide on your scrap. But it isn't some disinterested  nurse who doesn't know you, inflicting pain for your "good." It is really more actually like your mom doing it. Those two people are doing the exact same thing. What is different is the motivation, and the care that is informed by the motivation. Hebrews 12:6 says:

because the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and he chastens everyone he accepts as his son.

The Lord does it all because He loves us. All that He is and all He does for us is by and for His love. C.H.Spurgeon says that even the "sword of Gods justice is sheathed in the jewel encrusted scabbard of His love." When I look at it that way I can't help but want to sing His praises...even for His conviction. Let us welcome that pressure with glee and sing of His good work. Lord help this inform our praises this Sunday and every day.

In Christ,
paul




music for the week (as usual: no claim of being not "offensive" but it is really good):

This Is A Fire Door Never Leave Open - Psalm 31

Honesty and transparency is hard some come by. We can really hardly ever find it in others much less ourselves. We are so unwilling to open up and say we are at a deficit and are hurting; that we are struggling to move on forward. I even stutter when I know I need to be and reluctantly relent to the truth. David says:

9 Be merciful to me, Lord, for I am in distress;
my eyes grow weak with sorrow,
my soul and body with grief.
10 My life is consumed by anguish
and my years by groaning;
my strength fails because of my affliction,
and my bones grow weak.

Prayer is powerful. It helps us to understand ourselves in relation to God and pushes us to be honest. I find it harder to lie to myself when I'm praying than any other time. I really think it isn't possible to worship the Lord, to reach to grasp the master, until we have let go of ourselves. Pain and struggles have a tendency to show us ourselves. It shakes our foundations of self confidence. I believe it is there to wake us to conscientiousness, to wake us from our selfish slumber, in order for us to seek out something (really someONE) that is trustworthy to hold onto. Unfortunately in a society of defiant self-reliance, we are told to scream our uniqueness and toughness over the proverbial affliction. We wear shirts that say "I beat cancer" or post things about "proudly being an introvert" that subtly (or not so subtly) imply "I will gladly sacrifice my brothers and sisters in Christ on the alter of my self comfort." Is it awesome that you have recovered from a disease? Yes! Did you really beat it? Is it cool that you know something about yourself? I think it is. But is it really something to be celebrated? No. It has a set of strengths and a set of weaknesses that need to be overcome same as being an extrovert. When we celebrate impediments, or suffering we've "overcome" we really defeat the Divine purpose of it. I want to admit my failings and my need, thereby freeing my hands of myself to grasp on to Him. Think about this line of thinking looking at the concluding verses of this psalm.

21 Praise be to the Lord,
for he showed me the wonders of his love
when I was in a city under siege.
22 In my alarm I said,
“I am cut off from your sight!”
Yet you heard my cry for mercy
when I called to you for help.
23 Love the Lord, all his faithful people! (the call)
The Lord preserves those who are true to him, (the promise)
but the proud he pays back in full. (the warning)
24 Be strong and take heart (in Him),
all you who hope in the Lord

Let us abandon ourselves and grasp on to Him. Confess, repent and praise Him for He loves us and has forgiven us!

In Christ,
paul



music for the week (as usual: no claim of being not "offensive" but it is really good):

Last Call - Psalm 30

I think probably the single greatest praises we have come as a result of answered prayer. And particularly the prayer of helpless surrender brings salvation; starting the road that is narrow. It is almost the easiest time to sing His praise. Often we call back to our conversion to fuel our song.

1I will exalt you, Lord,

for you lifted me out of the depths...

2 Lord my God, I called to you for help,

and you healed me.

3You, Lord, brought me up from the realm of the dead;

you spared me from going down to the pit.

I think that is good but I think that is a bit shallow when it comes to singing to Him. I mean look at it, only singing about things we have received by prayer is the short end of the stick so to speak, because what happens when they aren't answered or they aren't answered with a comfortable response? Our worship subtly becomes about us and it takes more and more just to get us singing. Greater heights, more lights and eventually herecy. Manufacturing gold dust and feathers to be "moves of the Spirit" become the norm and claiming nonsense as our own. To appeal to ourselves is truly the lowest common denominator. It feeds our pride in order to do what we ought. Lewis puts this well in Mere Christianity:

"Teachers, in fact, often appeal to a boy's Pride, or, as they call it, his self-respect, to make him behave decently: many a man has overcome cowardice, or lust, or ill-temper, by learning to think that they are beneath his dignity—that is, by Pride. The devil laughs. He is perfectly content to see you becoming chaste and brave and self-controlled provided, all the time, he is setting up in you the Dictatorship of Pride—just as he would be quite content to see your chilblains cured if he was allowed, in return, to give you cancer. For Pride is spiritual cancer: it eats up the very possibility of love, or contentment, or even common sense."

It may be a more satisfying and subtle devil but it is still the devil none the less. I definitely lean more to our freedoms in Christ but knowing how sadistic pride is, even the music of those churches, divorced from their pastor's heretical teaching, still makes me uneasy. I'm not going to say people can't worship the Lord correctly by singing a Bethal or Hillsong song but it definitely makes me weary. My pride loves to be fed no matter where it comes from.

The best way to ensure we sing and we sing rightly is to sing of the works of the Lord. Not what we get, but rather what He has done. Making Him the focus of most of our worship songs fuels and reorients our hearts. So whether what comes is hard or easy, painful or pain relieving, it is all His work. We can get to the point where we can say as Job did, "though You slay me, yet I will praise you." Look for the work of the Lord in the psalms, and the songs we sing.

4Sing the praises of the Lord, you his faithful people;

praise his holy name.

5For his anger lasts only a moment,

but his favor lasts a lifetime;

weeping may stay for the night,

but rejoicing comes in the morning.

In Christ,
paul





music for the week (as usual: no claim of being not "offensive" but it is really good):

Deeper Well - Psalm 29

Ascribe to the Lord, you heavenly beings,

Ascribe to the Lord glory and strength.

Ascribe to the Lord the glory due his name;

Worship the Lord in the splendor of his holiness.

The Lord sits enthroned over the flood;

The Lord is enthroned as King forever.

The Lord gives strength to his people;

The Lord blesses his people with peace.

This psalm begins with a call to worship and then ends in actual worship. You would think it would be opposite. Paul talks on and on about theological topics, showing the length and breadth of the gospel. He then on occasion breaks into song. Here is the other side of the peak of praise. One side is stating the truth, the other side is singing the truth. We dig into truth, realize that we should praise Him, and then praise Him for/by the truth we have dug into. When I feel it is hard to sing, when I feel the motivation isn't there, I think my instinct like all of us, is to just try harder; that is if you even desire to try if the feeling isn't there. We dig into ourselves and attempt to muster more strength to sing. That is, much like our sanctification, the wrong way to do it. We must dig into the Lord and what He is and what He has done in order to grow in our fuel for praise. When we dig into ourselves for strength, direction, and motivation, we dig into a dead well. There is nothing there. It is the fallacy of Pat Robertson/fundy crowd. It is faulty logic that if I just hid from the world, and do things like "pray the bad spirits out of goodwill sweaters," I will have enough strength to remove all the sin in my life. It will somehow remove all temptation from my life and I can just stop sinning all together. This. Is. Wrong. Thinking. No amount of isolation, and strength of my own will make me sinless. It is again, digging into a poisoned well. We must dig into a deeper well. The well that has no end. 

13 Jesus answered, “Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, 14 but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life." 15 The woman said to him, “Sir, give me this water so that I won’t get thirsty and have to keep coming here to draw water.”

John 4

Dig into Him and sing.

In Christ,
paul




music for the week (as usual: no claim of being not "offensive" but it is really good):